What I thought was soooooo right......... PT1
I think this takes place while in the 9th grade... High school, I was overwhelmed. Meeting new people, making new friends/social groups, big confusing hallways, and girls. I thought I was good with girls, I had a lot of friends who were girls back in elementary school, I get along well with them, communicate better with them than guys...But once high school started, it got weird, well not weird, just different. I met this girl the first week of classes, I was fond of her looks at first. Turned out she was the best friend of this girl I met over the summer volunteering at a camp, so she hooked me up with her number and email. This went on for about a month, when I look back on it, I was really really stupid. Like how do I call it, like I was so over pursuing of her. Yes, long story short, I struck out bad but lesson learned. But wait, this isn't about this girl because that was just the beginning of this process...Girl after girl, I didn't know how to close the deal... whether we didn't know each other well enough or on completely a different page, I sought out help from some friends not from my school.
I believe it was then nearing the end of the school year, probably after March or April but before summer, a friend of mine from my old school (lets call her Steph) introduced me to her girlfriends at her high school. This one girl she introduced to me was one of her best friends (at that time), she was tall, and Chinese, (not really my type of girl I tend to be interested in) but the first couple of weeks we kicked it off (Lets call this girl Feebs). We would chat on MSN almost every day and occasionally even with the webcam, it was great. We would hang out in the summer with Steph and some other people, whether shopping or movies, it was nice (not the taking public transportation part). I remember when she got a boyfriend, I felt kinda down...not too down cause I wasn't interested in her at the time, and we would still occasionally chat and meet up every once in awhile. Then the break-up, I remember that, why? Because I was so sappy trying to cheer her up with my kiddy mind. Trying to cheer her up, we were video chatting, and I pulled up stuffed animals and started making some kind "movie" or sort to make her laugh. It was really silly, but it got the job done, she stopped crying and laughed a bit.
Fast forward through high-school, during that time we were always in touch, she quickly became one of my closest girl friends, maybe even considered her to be a best friend (which I do not want anymore best friends today because of experiences with previous "best friends"). We'd go on with our lives at our own school, went out with different people in between the time, but by the time grade 12 was around, we were both single. During the year 2006 (I know it was 2006 because I have it in another entry) I had a thing for cycling. Whether it was to the mall, school, or just adventuring, I felt the freedom and the ability to not take public transportation. Did that with my best friend (again I don't like the word/term of best friend, but lets call him Mats) Again, all names are not fictional and altered in anyway. We would bike around, and during the summer before 2006 we even biked to Feebs summer school, just to visit, keep her and her friends company while we were enjoying the summer weather, they had to be in class. Yeah but once high school was over, that summer was really nice until "the incident" as my cousin calls it.
During the summer, I'd see her prob twice at least once a week, we'd talk on the phone for a long time, and still video chatted at times. I wasn't over thinking anything, a good thing, cause we were just really close friends. I felt we got a lot closer and I had finally got my drivers permit (Yes, I must talk about my accomplishments I remember having that year). But again, we were going to go to different schools once university started. She was going to go to the ghettos as most people in uptown Toronto would call it, and I was going downtown for school. I still do not know why or how we continued growing closer, I think we were both trying to push each other to pass the friend zone, even once classes commenced. The slightly awkward flirty texts, the long phone calls, to me it felt like we were already "in a relationship". I even began thinking, she was actually turning out to be pretty good looking in retrospect but she was still slightly taller... I thought she was gorgeous: tall, slim, straight black hair, with tiny Asian eyes :) (like me).
I remember having a conversation with Feebs' cousin about me and her, I was curious (stupid for not knowing) but after that, it confirmed my interest in her as perhaps being more than "just a friend..." I knew this girl for four years, it felt longer, I considered her as a best friend, so what could possibly go wrong. It was a Friday morning after I had a 9am class, I subwayed, bussed
Turned out to be soooooo wrong......... PT2
During that time, she had already met some of my buddies that was from the same school (Wills, Jonny, and my other best guy friend Banjanu). We would all hang out together occasionally for drinks, dinners, etc., she felt like she was one of the guys. I felt okay with it...like la la la now I can spend time with both my buddies and the girlfriend. And you know what, I don't think I even did anything spectacular for her birthday, but whatever, its all about me right. When my birthday rolled around, I made the mistake of inviting a lot of people, some I don't feel close with, and yes, she had to drive me too cause I didn't have my graduated drivers permit (stupid Ontario). Christmas, ehhh.. it was nothing spectacular, I thought it would be special and all, cause this was my first time having a girlfriend during the birthday-holiday season. We still had the occasional hot pots, barbeques, drinking, etc. and by this time, she really did feel like she was a part of this. It felt during the whole month, I was just drifting away from her, the girl I liked so much, was slipping away. I had another talk with my best mate Banjanu, I asked him if I should just break it off with her...my heart just wasn't there anymore. He suggested I should just go with it, he thought she was a really nice person (he thought it was rare for someone to be so nice, Really now?) and that I should continue... I don't think it helped much, as the times we would chat on the phone, I was just growing annoyed with her, I don't know why, maybe it was just built-up frustration that we knew each other too well in advance and it felt boring.
It was a cold Friday that morning, I was sending texts to her during my class, which led to more frustration and I finally caved in and sent her a text "maybe you should just break up with me". I only said that because I tell all the girls I'm with, that I won't do the breaking up part. It's never easy, and I didn't want to ever do that. Finally on my break, I called her, and it was done and over with. I asked myself, why am I not disappointed with this, what's wrong with me... I really thought it was my fault, there was no effort on my part, partly because it felt like we were stronger as friends than a couple...sure there were still exciting times alone, but still, I lost my desire to woo (like during the wanting to get with you stage) and it sucked real bad. We didn't hang out as much together alone as much, it was usually in a group. What's even worse, I had sent out a text telling my buddies to go for drinks that night, which they agreed to...BUT on my way home, there they were, with her as I left the subway station, Didn't make a single eye contact with her, didn't even acknowledge she was there, and just confirmed our plans with the guys. I knew I was wrong so I just sent her a text apologizing for being "a jerk."
During the months after, the worst thing was that I'd still see her when we had our drinking, our dinners, she was still there, hanging around the guys. I always thought to myself, why is she doing this, why can't she go away. On the other hand, I never got around as to asking my friends why they were inviting her, I am never the confrontational type, so yeah, okay, whatever. Like why is she doing this, she gets pissed drunk (which is one of my biggest turn-offs) and I'm hurting inside. This girl, who was one of my dearest friends, someone I had cared for and treated well was still around when I did not want anything to do with her. I hated it, I was dying inside, seeing her being this way in front of me, I was devastated. Til this day, I still do not know why, on her end, their end, why. I don't care much now, but I still look back and wonder if things were different.
Epilogue
Over the past years, I have made minimum contact with her, she was removed from my Facebook, alternatively blocked and unblocked on my MSN. There were times I felt like I could just message and talk, but the chats never end up going anywhere. We're two completely different people today, living different lives... But thank you for teaching me some lessons in life, and thank you for being a delightful person the times I knew you. And I only wrote about this, because there are some things in life that are just not easy to let go of, and I hope this helps.
But I guess there's a saying that goes something like "when you lose someone you care for so deeply, its okay, there's always going to be another one". OK maybe there really isn't a saying like that, I just made it up so it would relate to this, but yeah, there is always going to be another one. And it has also helped me grow individually, to know who's really going to stick through the bad and the good with, like my best black friend (not racist here), the homies, and the brother from another mother! Something to be grateful for at least at the end of that chapter.
*But remember, there may be names that are not fictional and some events and timing may not be 100 per cent accurate, and some are not included, so don't believe everything you read.
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